I swear 2020 was the start of a wave of babies getting made. A lot of married couples quarantined and well there’s only so many shows and movies you can watch, right? So you know...we sort of jumped on that bandwagon too. We’re about 21 weeks and really excited. But with all the excitement of a new baby in the home, it can be a trying time for a marriage after that baby comes home. If you just had a baby or are about to have one and you want that bond with your wife to stay strong or become stronger, then this post is for you.

Every dad I talk to wants a peaceful home and strong family bonds. A wife that loves and respects him. That will follow him to the ends of the earth. The ultimate ride or die. And when you’re married with no kids, it sort of feels that way. Like it’ll always be you and her against the world, but then a baby comes along and things begin to change.

You’re happy of course to be expanding your family and you got this beautiful little life you’re both now responsible for, but as time goes on you notice that your wife’s attention is more focused on the child. You say to yourself, “it’s cool, I knew it was gonna be like this.” So you start focusing on other things, maybe you consume yourself with work or distractions just to get yourself not to think about a disconnect with you and your wife.

Overtime though, this is what happens. Conversations become only about the child, instead of mixing in things you used to talk about together. There’s a disconnect that can occur, maybe you’re already experiencing this yourself. The good news is that it doesn’t have to stay that way or even get to that point if you put these tips into practice.

Tip # 1: Be Patient

This may be an obvious one, but you gotta be patient. If it’s your first child, both of you are learning to cope with all the new changes and responsibilities. And as much as is going through your head like the responsibility of making sure you’re providing and supporting them. She’s worried about the baby constantly. She’s also battling with the changes that her body just went through. Think about the fact that her organs literally shifted to make room for the baby and now they gotta shift back. (That is crazy to me)

I couldn’t imagine going through that. So be patient with her. Give her some extra time to adjust to everything and at the same time show her you got her back by taking care of things before it becomes an issue. What I mean by that is just chores around the house, laundry, dishes, bottles, diapers, whatever can help lighten the load that she has, it won’t go unnoticed by her I promise you.

Tip # 2: Talk With No Tech

How often do you and your wife just sit and talk about stuff? You might be thinking, we talk all the time, what do you mean G? Well the truth is as the years go by and the number of kids increase, the time you and your wife spend talking decreases. When you do talk, what do you talk about? Does the conversation always revolve around the kids, work, or other people? Or do you guys talk about yourselves, maybe dreams, goals, or aspirations? What about this, do you guys talk while holding your smartphone in your hand browsing social media? And have your conversations come down to you just passing each other’s phones around showing off memes?

It’s tough to step outside and look at your situation objectively, but I challenge you to do it. You see with my wife, this is what was happening to us. After almost 10 years of marriage, our conversations definitely became less and less throughout the day. We either got busy, talked about just our son and other people or got caught up with social media on our phone. Being in the same room at times and completely ignoring each other. Not a good way to keep a marriage strong, so we decided to change this. Guess what we did? That’s right, We talked about it. Came to realize that we needed to change some habits and make time for each other to have meaningful conversations with no tech around.

Leave your phone charging in another room when you’re together and just focus on each other. Talk about yourselves, goals, dreams, aspirations, things that you wanna accomplish together. Think back to how it was when you were dating. You would probably pull topics out of nowhere just to continue talking with her. Make that a thing again.

Tip # 3: Date Night

Schedule some time for her and have a date night. I know with the lockdowns and all that right now it may be difficult. But hey even if you make plans to go pick up the food and eat in the car or bring it home, it’s all good. Just show her that she deserves your time and that you want to take her out and have a nice time with her.

Do you remember how creative you were when you were actually dating? You had these elaborate plans, like I’m gonna take her here because she’s never been there before, then I’m gonna buy her this and surprise her with that. You were putting out game left and right, where not even a pandemic could stop you. Maybe it’s time to pull some of those traits out the bag and dust them off.

Again it doesn’t have to be anything elaborate. You could literally plan for dinner and a movie on a Friday night after the kids are asleep. Make it a weekly or a monthly thing if possible. You won’t regret it.

Tip # 4: Privacy

One of the best pieces of advice I got right before our son was born was to remember that Our Bed Is Our Bed. What do I mean by that? Well, this means that no one gets to sleep on our bed except my wife and I. I’ve known a lot of couples over the years that let their kids sleep in the bed and even though it may be nice to have your baby close, over time it causes issues.

As a married couple you need some level of privacy and for a lot of couples especially if the baby sleeps in the same room, this is hard to get. Don’t get me wrong, I know how nice it is to hold your baby and have him or her just lay on your chest and knock out. As a dad it’s a great feeling and a huge blessing, however, when it comes to going to sleep at night, don’t fall for the trap. You know what the trap is right?

It starts with you and your wife asking each other, “oh you think we should let the baby sleep on the bed with us.” The other says, “yeah it should be ok, it’s just for tonight.” Then all of a sudden that conversation is had multiple times a week to the point where the baby likes sleeping on the bed with the parents instead of sleeping in his or her own crib. Let me tell you something, babies are smart and they know how to manipulate to get what they want. Pretty soon, that bed is no longer your bed and now you gotta share. Then both of you can’t get a goodnight’s rest because you’re constantly worried that you might crush the baby. You can’t have those night time conversations right before you go to bed out of fear of waking the baby up. On top of that, you can’t work on making the next one because this one just moved in and took over. So what do you do?

Let them sleep in their crib. If you start practicing that early on when they’re an infant, it will make the world of a difference for your privacy. And if the baby sleeps in the same room with you, then I would recommend to divide the room with a dark curtain to separate your bed from their crib. We did this with our son and it was a game changer for us. We got our privacy back.

Tip # 5: Mushu

Yup, you know what I’m talking about. It’s what got you into all this trouble in the first place. In order to have a strong marriage, especially after having kids, you’re gonna need some mushu. I know this is kind of a troubling topic for some, but it’s the truth. The lack of sex in a marriage unfortunately leads to a lot of broken homes, divorces, affairs, and destroyed marriages.

Contrary to popular belief, it doesn’t take a rocket gender scientist to tell you that men and women are a little different when it comes to sex. Men have the tendency to be ready to go at almost anytime of the day no matter what. We have this drive that cannot be explained but can clearly be seen by our wives. And if she puts up that bat signal you’re ready to jump into action.

Women on the other hand, are not built this way. They need to be nurtured and led to feel this way. What a beautiful dynamic am I right? Which is why these tips I’ve shared with you have not only guaranteed you a stronger marriage, but they provide a path for you my fellow Alpha Dad to increase your chances of mushu.

If you are patient with her and handle those things around the house we talked about in tip #1. You get mushu points. If you talk with her without distractions and make time for meaningful conversations. You get mushu points. If you plan out a date night and maintain your privacy as a married couple. You guessed it, you get mushu points. Which then leads to the possibility of you getting some mushu. And I for one am completely for that.

Until next time my fellow Alpha Dad,

• G. Vidal