Are you truly independent? I moved out on my own when I was 18 and I used to pride myself on being independent. But when you really unpack my situation I was far from independent. I depended on a man that rented me a studio for a fair price.

I depended on my mom who left me a car that got me from point A to point B. I depended on a job that provided me with a paycheck every two weeks. That allowed me to pay for the gas that car needed to run, the rent that allowed me to stay in that studio, the food that I ate, the clothes that I wore.

There was really nothing independent about me, except for maybe my thoughts. Even then, my thoughts were a culmination of others thoughts and perspectives just viewed through my lens.

You may be thinking, that’s not me, I am actually independent. I really don’t rely on anybody. Let me ask you this, the phone or computer you’re using to watch or listen to this right now. Chances are you bought it, right? But did you make it?

No, you didn’t. Someone else had to manufacture that device. Another person had to invent it. Another person had to put it up on a store for you to buy it. A person had to give you a job for you to have money for you to buy this thing from a store that another person build to sell you this device.

I can go on and on, but you get my point. Nothing you have was truly attained all by yourself. If this is the case and we truly need to depend on others, then that means that relationships are extremely important.

We are exploring the 6 human needs and how to leverage them to master relationships. This is something I picked up from a man named Eli Wilde who learned it from Tony Robbins. Eli was one of Tony’s top salesman so this dude truly understands communication and establishing strong relationships.

Guys, relationships are extremely important in this life. If you are going to lead a family effectively, then you it’s absolutely necessary for you to master relationships. As a leader, you need to have a deeper understanding of people in general. Not just your wife and kids, I’m talking about friends, extended family, co-workers, and even the dude handling your coffee at Starbucks.

So I wanna start by breaking down each of the needs and how to recognize them. If you have ever read a self help book, you may already be familiar with these so this may just be a refresher, but stick around anyway as I do believe this may be a unique spin on these.

1. Certainty

In some cases, I’ve seen this referred to “Security”, but either way this is the need to feel certain/secure. When you go to sleep at night, the reason why for the most part you can sleep soundly in your home is because you have a sense of security. You feel protected from outside forces in your home. If you live in the states, you know we have borders, the military, police…etc.

If you live in a good neighborhood, you have a sense of security because you don’t believe you’re gonna get jumped at the next stop. I’m sure you’ve heard of “Job Security”. It derives from the idea of feeling secure in your job as if they’ll never fire you because of course the business can’t run without you. At least that’s what some of you think. You get the point.

This is a powerful need that we all have. It’s the reason multi-millionaire rappers move out the hood as soon as they got some money.

Anyways, if we stop looking at the external for a second and look at the internal. This even plays into the certainty of your own beliefs. Your values, your morals, they ground you in certainty believing that those things are right. That is definitely we all need fulfilled.

Now there’s people out there that you will meet that take this need of certainty way too far. Those that will not make a move or risk anything because it doesn’t feel safe. Like not wanting to quit your job and look for another one even though you hate the one you’re doing. Most people don’t do that because they’re too scared of the unknown. They’re not certain that it will work out so they don’t make a move.

You see this in relationships too, where an incompatible couple will stay together because they feel secure in what they know. They’re so used to each other, that they don’t wanna risk leaving each other even though they make each other miserable.

This kinda leads us into our next need.

2. Uncertainty

Yeah kinda funny right. This is the opposite of certainty or security. This is the need for adventure. The need to experience something you’ve never done before.

I remember the first time I got on a race track. I went to Vegas with my wife, just the two of us, we didn’t have any kids yet. Neither one of us is much of a gambler, so we didn’t really go to do that. We went because we wanted to stay at some luxury hotels, watch some live shows, shoot some fully automatic weapons, and drive fast ass spots cars on a race track.

All first time experiences for us. But the one I remember the most is driving a Lamborghini at about 180 MPH at a race track out in Vegas. I had never gone that fast in a car I was driving and I had never in my life driven a lambo. Not gonna lie, I was sweating bricks and I was nervous as hell, but damn that shit was fun!

Even though I had an instructor with me, at any point in time, I coulda messed up really bad letting the nerves get to me. I was uncertain about how things were going to go, but I needed to fulfill that need.

I’m sure you have some sense of adventure moments in your life as well. However, the extreme side of this need is when people just thrive on trying new experiences all the time. This is how some people end up heavily addicted to drugs and alcohol. That sense of adventure and curiosity takes them down a path that’s hard to come back from.

Uncertainty can be a great thing, but you need to gauge it in your own life.

3. Significance

Aka, the need to feel like you’re the shit. The need for that pat on the back from others telling you that you’re the best at something. That sense of accomplishment you get when you reach a goal.

It’s the need to feel special and at the same time needed by others. I remember back when I lived on my own, it was a lonely time in my life. During the holidays and especially my birthdays, I spent them alone. I felt kind of insignificant. I longed for this need.

Now with my family and friends, these holidays don’t feel so lonely and on my birthdays, my family makes me feel significant. This is an important need that we all have.

The extreme side of this need can be seen in those that prop themselves in arrogance. Those that always present themselves as more significant than others and talk about how special they are. Don’t mistake this for confidence, this is definitely ego talking.

I’ve met a few people like this over the years, that never like to admit when they’re wrong. They will lie to protect their significant status just so they always look like they’re the shit. It’s really sad actually because you can never have a genuine relationship with these type of people.

4. Love

This one’s pretty easy and obvious. We all need love. The need to feel a connection with other people. It’s the reason why dating and marriage exist, we as men long for a woman to connect with. A woman to start a family with and when the kids come along.

You as a father love your children and you also have the need to be loved by your children. There’s no better feeling in the world than when my son comes up to me and gives me a hug and tells me that he loves me just out of the blue.

When my little 9 month old baby girl smiles from ear to ear the minute she sees me, it literally makes my entire day. Work could be stressful and shit could be hitting the fan, but I catch a glimpse of that smile and it makes everything go away.

My wife, even after 11 years of marriage, I love being wanted and loved by her. I love making her laugh and having a great time with her. It’s fun watching our kids grow up and seeing what personality traits they pick up from both of us.

I also love connecting with my friends. My closest brothers who I’ve grown up with. We joke and laugh about the stupidest shit and it’s the best time. With my younger brother, one of the things we connect on is guns. We love going to the shooting range. From hatchet throwing to archery, these are the means by which we connect. We all need a healthy dose of love and connection.

The extreme side of love can come in the form of clinginess in an intimate relationship scenario. The type of people that need to be around you 24/7 and don’t give you any space. Cheaters can also find themselves on the extreme side of this coin moving from love to love when they feel like the current connection has been broken is not fulfilling that need anymore.

Love is one of the most powerful human needs.

5. Growth

The need for personal development. The idea that you’re actually heading in a direction and not remaining stagnant. An expansion of your capacity and skills. People that are constantly learning new things have a strong need for growth.

People that work out a lot and undergo physical transformations by getting in shape, they tend to also have a strong need for growth.

It’s important to feel like you’re growing and advancing in life. When you don’t fulfill this need, this makes life hard and depressing. People that don’t take charge of meeting this need are the ones that end up stuck in dead end jobs for years and have lost the hope of advancing.

On the other side of the spectrum, people that take this need to the extreme can sometimes miss out on key moments in life because they’re constantly focused on advancing. Sometimes you need to break away from that growth and take in the moment.

6. Contribution

The need to help and serve others. This is what happens when you genuinely want to help people just for the sake of helping, not because you’re expecting something in return.

This is a big need for me personally as I honestly enjoy contributing to other people’s wins. I have a couple of close brothers that just became close to 6 figure earners and I had a part in making that happen. Hearing them tell me that they can’t believe that they’ll finally be able to get out of debt and get their finances in order. Or that they actually have money to save and invest now. One of them even told me that he can’t believe that he is now the actual provider for his household. He didn’t feel like that before until he made the leap.

Nothing is more rewarding to me than to see those I come in contact with winning in every area of their life.

Now the extreme with contribution arises in those that spend more energy and effort in helping others while neglecting their own household. I’ve seen this happen a lot with pastors or ministers that devote so much time to helping people in their congregation, but yet they neglect their own responsibilities at home.

I’m a big believer in making sure you work on yourself first, once you got a decent handle on you, then focus on your family. Then once your house is in order, contribute outside of your home. Things will never be perfect, but if there’s peace within you and peace in your home, that’s normally a sign that you’re in a good spot to help others outside of your home.

So those are the 6 human needs and the question now becomes well why is this important? It’s because these are the 6 juman needs we all have. Every single human on the planet needs these 6 things to carry on in life. It’s when people aren’t meeting these needs that things are out of alignment in your life.

Here’s another thing to take note of, even though we all have 6, there’s usually 2 needs that dominate the other 4. What 2 needs those are, vary from person to person?

So the key to mastering relationships in general is understanding these needs and being able to recognize the 2 that standout in every person you meet. Once you identify what 2 needs are the most important to a person, feed that need establish a good relationship with that person. Simple enough right?

Here’s an example, my son’s 2 most dominant needs are Love and Certainty. He’s a social little dude and loves playing with other kids. If he has the option to play by himself or play with others, he always chooses playing with others. At the same time he always likes to feel safe and secure. Like when he eats something new he’s hesitant to try it because he’s unsure of what it is. So he asks a bunch of questions about it before he tries it.

He’s a little scared of new experiences where he’s uncertain about what’s gonna happen. We took him to his first MMA class recently and he was scared to get on the mat because he was just not certain about this new environment. So what I do to build a good bond with him is play into these needs. I reassure him that whatever he’s going to do is safe and make him feel secure that I’ll be there for him. I also take every opportunity I can go play with him whether it’s with his dinosaur toys which he’s obsessed with or play fighting and wrestling.

I also always take time to tell him that I love him and give him a hug. I chill with him and watch one of his shows. All this plays into the need for love and connection he has.

Fulfilling these needs for him helps me establish a stronger relationship. It’s not rocket science guys. Relationships of any type are not difficult to understand and they’re not hard to maintain or strengthen.

It’s just a matter of meeting needs. To a degree depending on the relationship and how strong you want that bond to be, you’ll have to play into all 6 of the needs. But there will always be 2 that dominate the rest.

Your job is to find out what those are and start feeding into them. I guarantee you that it will make a huge difference in how you master the relationships in your life.

Until next time my fellow Alpha Dad,
- G. Vidal