Growing up, even though my dad was around physically, he was never really present. He wasn’t the type to take his time teaching me anything. Typical things that you would think your dad would show you. Like shaving, driving, using a set of tools, asking a girl out to a date, how to shoot a gun, self-defense, the list goes on.

For me, these were all things I learned from other men. I sought out father figures in other places, whether it was a teacher at school or some of the men at the churches I used to go to. There was always a father figure to be found that would invest the time in me to show me something I didn’t know.

I honestly can’t thank God enough for each and every one of those men because they all played a significant part in my upbringing. With that being said, if you’ve had a similar history of multiple father figures growing up, then you know that at a certain point in time you tend to outgrow them.

I wanna unpack that and discuss that in this week’s episode.

We’re talking about outgrowing your father figures. Like I shared in the intro, a lot of us that grew up without a present father in the home, sought out a father figure elsewhere to sort of fill that gap.

For the most part, we were able to find someone to take on that role for a while. However, what I’ve come to find in my own experience is that at a certain point in time, we outgrow our mentors.

Meaning that that particular man doesn’t hold the same status in your mind anymore after a while. It doesn’t just happen out of the blue either, there’s usually something that occurs or something you discover about that individual that breaks your perception of him.

What follows is an uneasy feeling of guilt and to an extent disappointment. It’s hard to watch your heroes fall, especially when it’s by their own doing.

I wanna get into 3 reasons why this happens and what to do about it.

1. Uncovered Flaws

One of my initial mentors growing up was an older cousin of mine. He actually was the man that introduced me to God and helped me come to accept the Christian Faith in my own life. So I truly will forever be grateful for that because it completely changed my life.

With that came all the other practical things like driving, shaving, and even learning how to talk to girls. Music was another big thing. I learned how to play the bass, how to sing, and even my introduction to hip hop which then led me to become a rapper myself.

From this mentorship also came the introduction to other mentors. The men that he looked up to. But as time went on, I uncovered the flaws of his mentors. One in particular who my cousin looked up to was cheating on his wife. Yet this was the same dude that would be preaching loyalty on Sunday.

Everything trickles down from the top. This of course affected my direct mentor which in turn then affected me. When you start to see your father figures flaws, it leaves you disappointed and searching for answers elsewhere. So naturally I sought out another father figure and in doing so I pissed off the ones I had already established.

You see my mentors at the time were all church men, some of them even my family members. So when my new mentor came in and gave me a new perspective on certain traditional beliefs, they weren’t having it. There were 2 fundamental breaking points here.

This church I was going to was so antiquated and stuck in their ways that they didn’t believe hip hop or rap was a true form of worship to God. So when I started rapping, that was a no no. The second part of this was a different perception of baptism. My new mentor believed that baptism was an essential part of salvation, but ironically the baptist church I was going to did not.

At no point did we have any civil discussions about the opposing viewpoints. Only my new mentor wanted to discuss these things openly, while my old ones just shouted false prophet and kicked me out of the church in the process. I was 16 years old, just a kid trying to do what I thought was right, but I was met with judgement and abandonment from supposed godly people.

I watched a lot of my heroes fall during that time and was left with only 2 or 3 good men by my side. I definitely outgrew those mentors.

2. Lack of Congruency

My next father figure is actually someone still to this day who I consider a mentor. Truthfully, he taught me how to be a man. From how to manage my finances to how to save my marriage. He was around for many of my formative years and I can’t thank him enough for all that he’s done for me and my family.

As time went on we were able to work together on many church related projects as he became a minister. I’m honestly very happy with all the work we did and I don’t have any regrets, just that I wish I could have done more to repay him when it counted.

Everything was good until Covid hit. And this is what I mean about congruency and being in alignment with your own beliefs. Up until this stupid ass virus hit the scene, my mentor was all about natural cures for any ailment. He refrained himself from taking heavily prescribed medication for anything and even defeated diabetes simply by using a fasting method. Think about that something that ailed him for years, he beat with a few months of fasting to the point of being cleared from his own doctor, telling him that he was no longer diabetic.

He was always the type to not fear death. At certain pivotal moments throughout our relationship, he would say things like, “if I died today, I’d die a happy man knowing that everyone is taken care of.” And every time he said that, I believed him because he said it with great conviction. Not only that, but he was a man of faith, strong believer in God and His Word, could quote the Bible like nobody’s business.

But again when Covid hit, things changed. He no longer wanted to be around people. He no longer wanted to work on projects together. And he was waiting for this miraculous vaccine to somehow save him from this extremely deadly virus. When I saw this side of him, it sort of shook me at first because it wasn’t the man I had known all those years.

Look I don’t know what your beliefs are with regards to all this ‘rona stuff, but for me I just prefer natural remedies and I personally just don’t trust the government when they push something for free and make it mandatory. There’s usually an agenda and it’s usually not in your best interest, even though they tell you it is. I mean look at gas prices right now.

You can call me a conspiracy theorist or whatever stupid ass nickname you wanna give me. I’m not here trying to change your mind, these are my beliefs which I largely adopted from my mentor. And it was when he fell out of alignment with those beliefs that disappointment and confusion set in for me.

If he believed in an All Powerful God that has no limits, why wouldn’t he believe that God would save him from this?
If he really didn’t fear death, why would he be scared of this?
If he believed in natural remedies such as fasting to defeat a disease like diabetes that takes many people’s lives every year, why would he not believe that he could beat this naturally without a vaccine?

Congruency, being in alignment with your beliefs speaks volumes of who you are. This for me caused one of my all time heroes to fall in my eyes. And it led me into a mental spiral of depression, especially because right after this realization I got Covid.

3. Atlas Will Eventually Shrug

It’s hard to hold the whole world on your shoulders. When you see Superman do it, it looks easy but eventually even he gets tired. My mentor was Superman in my eyes, but he got tired. He was the Atlas that held a large part of my world together, but he shrugged.

At no point in time was that more present then when I got sick with the ‘rona. You see it was Christmas 2020, right at the end of the year. My wife was a few months pregnant with our daughter at the time and my son was 2 years old. We lived in a small apartment and both my brother and I had it. He was quarantined in his room, while I was left to move around from the living room to our bedroom. I couldn’t hug my son or be too close to my wife for fear of getting them sick.

The entire time we were going through it, most of our closest family and friends knew about it. But what sucked is not one of them offered to take my pregnant wife and 2 year old child somewhere else so they wouldn’t catch it. We weren’t even offered a grocery run or a check in to make sure we were ok. There was a handful of people that would check in almost every day, but they were physically too far away to help us even though they wanted to. But those that were in close proximity and had the means to help offered only social distancing.

Meaning they kept their distance for a couple of months while we figured the shit out. By the grace of God, my wife and kids didn’t catch it. And looking back now it taught me a very important lesson. In the face of fear, people are unpredictable. And even those who you think will have your back through thick and thin, they will not always be there. And here’s the biggest part of this lesson, which took me a while for me to grasp, this is perfectly ok.

It’s actually part of human nature. Very few men have the ability to go against this nature and you can’t expect that from your mentors/father figures. It is too great of a standard for you to hold on them. It is not fair to them and at the same time not fair to you.

You see this was my big issue with every mentor I’ve had. I put them on a pedestal, I turned them into Supermen in my mind and when I saw their flaws, I created that confusion and disappointment in my mind intentionally.

I bring these things up not to place blame on these men, but to honestly place blame on myself for not understanding that at the end of the day all of these mentors were simply human. They are just as flawed as I am. They are simply just men trying to figure out the same shit I’m trying to figure out. Their mentorship though it helped me a great deal, didn’t automatically mean that they had it all figured out. They were just a couple of chapters ahead of me.

I have learned to let go of this and have forgiven them for what transpired as at the time I did not understand it. Now I honestly stand grateful for each of these experiences as they’ve molded me into the man I’ve become.

Here’s the harsh lesson that I hope you can take from this entire rant. No one is coming to save you or your family! It’s just you!

It’s not your father figure/mentor. It sure as shit isn’t the government or the fucking avengers, it’s literally just YOU! You are the hero of your own story. You are Superman! But if you live every day surrounded by kryptonite, you’re never gonna reach your full potential.

This is why I started this organization, this is why I put out this content every week. I want as many men as possible to come to this realization just as I did. And I wanna help you help yourself in order to create the life you want. I don’t have all the answers and I am far from perfect, but I am a few chapters ahead.

And if this resonates with you and you wanna get caught up and see what’s possible in your own life, then I wanna invite you to get on a free strategy session with me or my team. Just go to alphadadconsulting.com/calendar to book your free call. Let us find out if we can help you in your current situation.

I wanna see you thrive as millennial family men. I want you to have a strong passionate marriage full of love and respect. I want you to have an unbreakable bond with your kids throughout their entire life. I want you to thrive in your career or business and make all the money you want so that money no longer becomes a problem in your home. Don’t you want that? I’m here to tell you that it’s absolutely possible, but it starts with you. If you don’t make a change, then nothing changes. Everything stays exactly as it is now and heads in the direction that it’s going.

If the direction you’re heading in, isn’t a good destination then I wanna challenge you to course correct. Switch up the direction so you end up somewhere better. Right now I’m offering that to you in the form of a call. Book your spot now. Again, that’s alphadadconsulting.com/calendar

I do have limited spots open right now, so don’t miss out. Hope to talk to you soon.

Until next time my fellow Alpha Dad,
- G. Vidal