Every week I hear a horror story of a fellow dad losing his family out of the blue. The wife tells him that she’s no longer in love with him or that she no longer finds him attractive. Or even worse that she started seeing someone else.

Don’t get me wrong there’s women out there, that are completely horrible human beings. Believe me, I’ve had the pleasure of meeting some of them throughout my lifetime.

However, 9 times out of 10, if we’re being honest, there are a number of factors that lead a woman to do this to a man. It doesn’t just happen overnight. I mean these are couples that have been married for 5+ years and have a couple of kids together.

Yet, something has compelled her enough to want to leave you and take the kids with her. Having this happen to you will tear you apart as a man. Don’t be fooled into thinking that this can’t happen to you even if you think your life at home is perfect.

I’m gonna share with you 5 signs or red flags to watch out for so that you can prevent this from happening to your marriage.

Let me ask you this, on a scale from 1 to 10, how good do you think your marriage is right now? With 1 being “borderline divorce” and 10 being “my woman wants me all the time.”

If you’re at a 10, all power to you man, this is probably not for you because you already got everything figured out. But if you’re below a 10, then you may wanna pay attention to what we’re gonna be discussing today.

I’ve seen a lot of young married dads go through this. Where one minute they think everything at home is completely fine and then the wife drops that atomic bomb on him saying that she doesn’t wanna be with him anymore. That she’s done with the marriage. She doesn’t love him or find him attractive anymore. Or the infamous, I love you, but I’m not “in love” with you anymore.

Maybe you’re watching or listening to this and this is you right now. Or maybe you’re thinking that this could never happen to you. It’s possible, it is absolutely possible that you may never have to face something like this in your entire marriage. But in order to be sure that this doesn’t happen to you I wanna share with you 5 signs that you wanna look out for in your marriage so that you can prevent this from ever being a reality for you.

1. Are you an Asshole?

Guys, I say this with the utmost respect. Are you an asshole? Do you have enough self-awareness to be honest about how you behave in your marriage? I’ve seen guys, that get drunk, yell and cuss out their wives, treat them like shit and when the wife decides she’s had enough and leaves with the kids. They all of a sudden are surprised. Excusing themselves, like “well I probably drank a little too much, but I was always there for the kids man. I always made sure they had food on the table, how could she do this to me.”

You did it to yourself bro. You were an asshole and she got fed up with it. You let your vices and emotion get the best of you. All while thinking that because you married her and because you have kids together, that automatically means she’s gonna put up with your ass ‘til death do you part. Nah man, she WILL LEAVE YOU.

Can you step back and look at yourself objectively right now? Do you drink too much to the point where it causes issues in your marriage? Do you yell at her and cuss her out and do you do it in front of the kids? Do you have a temper that gets the best of you and she’s the casualty? Do you get pissed about something that happens at work and take it out on her? If your honest answer to any of these questions is yes, then you’re being an asshole.

Here’s the solution though, are you ready? Stop….being an asshole. Easy enough right? If the outcome you want is ‘til death do you part. If you wanna grow old with your woman and have her be your life long partner, then you’re not gonna get there by being an asshole.

And if you’re having a hard time assessing yourself, but you really wanna know how she feels. Try this….ask her. Ask your wife…Do you think I’m an asshole to you? If she says yes, then at least you’ll know where you stand and that you have an opportunity to change that about you.

2. Do you still try to woo her?

Tell me this doesn’t happen in a marriage, especially after a number of years and a couple of kids. Leading up to you guys getting hitched, you’re dressing up trying to impress her. When you take her out, you got all these elaborate ideas. I’m gonna take her to this fancy ass restaurant and get her whatever she wants even though you’re making like 10 bucks an hour. You’re gonna put it on a credit card cuz she’s worth it, right?

Then after dinner, you’re gonna take her to this nice view point where you can see the sunset. And there you’ll have a surprise for her too. Like you’re gonna make it so the stars align as soon as it gets dark and it’s gonna spell out her name. Tell me you didn’t do that shit when you were dating her.

Why? Because this she was the one! She was the woman that you wanted to spend the rest of your life with and you wanted to give her the world. But then you married her. And while she thought to herself, man if it was this good while we were dating, it’s only gonna get better if I marry this guy.

You were thinking, “alright now I’ve married her, so now I can take it down a notch because after all she’s mine ‘til death do us part.” Such an interesting dynamic, right?

This is a big issue that affects many marriages. False expectations. But can be easily solved if you start doing some of the things you did when you were dating her.

Some of you guys don’t even know what to do anymore, it’s like you’ve been out the game for so long. Netflix and chill has become your default. I heard this on a podcast with Brad Lea recently, Dropping Bombs is the name of his Podcast if you wanna check him out. But he had a guy on the show that was talking about this and he said, “imagine you were single and you just scored a date with the hottest chick ever, where would you take her on a date? What would you do to woo her? Do that, but for your actual wife?”

I thought that was pretty powerful, because every guy listening to this can put himself in those shoes and plan that date out.

I think it’s funny how some guys will complain that their wife doesn’t dress up or put on make up anymore. Almost like she’s “shut it down” right? Maybe even some weight, but then that same guy will be overweight, rarely ever shaves and is always in shorts and a t-shirt. C’mon bro, you can’t expect her to get all fixed up for you, if you ain’t doing it for her.

The point is, you gotta continue to woo her. There’s no end to the game playa, the point is to keep playing it with her. That’s what makes it fun.

3. Do you keep your word?

Now this one is kinda tough for a lot of guys to wrestle with because it has to deal with your ability to do what it is that you say you’re gonna do. It’s a simple concept, but most men in general struggle with this.

How many times have you told your wife that you’re gonna do something, but you didn’t follow through on it? I guarantee you that it’s been a lot.

The funny thing is that most of us don’t keep our word to our own selves. And if you’re ok with not keeping your word to yourself, then you’re absolutely gonna be ok with not keeping your word to your wife. Am I right?

“Watch babe, I’m gonna start that business I’ve been talking to you about this year.” The year goes by and nothing happens, but I bet you didn’t miss the playoffs. “Watch babe, I’m gonna lose like 30 lbs this year and I’m gonna be looking good for you. Watch babe, I’m gonna get us into a nice house this year cuz I’ma figure out how to make more money.”

But what happens, absolutely nothing. The crazy thing is that at first she believes you. So she’s like yeah babe, I know you can do it. And it feels good in the moment right? Like that’s right my wife got my back. But after you don’t follow through for the 100th time, the shit gets old bro. And she no longer buys it.

Here’s a thought, keep your word. If you say you’re gonna do something, actually do it. Show yourself that you can follow through on your own commitments and that will spill over into keeping your word to her.

Remember, when you say you’re gonna do something and you don’t do it, you become a liar. Even though she is not labeling you a liar to your face, subconsciously to her you become a liar. Therefore she will come to expect that from you and that’s not a good place to be as a husband.

Keep your word.

4. Do you take lead?

I always get flack for this one, but it’s so pivotal to making a marriage work. Are you her man or are you her child? Does she have to step in for you to take charge of situations? Do you inspire her to wanna follow you?

It’s a funny thing because in our society today they’ll tell you that it’s ok to let your wife take charge. And that she should be the boss and wear the pants in the relationship. Well let me fill you in on this, if she’s wearing the pants, guess who’s wearing the dress?

Yeah, that’s right, you are by default. But guess what the problem is, she actually prefers to wear a dress. She didn’t sign up to wear the pants because that’s not what fulfills her. That’s not really what she wanted. She wanted you to take charge and lead her. Not boss her around and try to be her dad, I mean like actually lead her.

Contrary to popular belief, if a woman has a man that provides for her, treats her like a Queen, helps her around the house, helps her with the kids, makes her feel wanted, keeps his word to her and is fully committed to her and the kids. That woman will follow you to the ends of the earth because you are a man worth following. You are a man worthy of being her leader. No woman, if they’re being honest would have a problem following a man like that and giving up the pants to wear the dress.

You gotta earn that leadership role, it’s not just demanded or freely given. My wife and my kids look to me to lead them because I’ve earned that role in their eyes. That wasn’t always the case which is why I’m sharing this with you. There was a time where I was trying to be more of a dad to my wife than her man. And even worse at times I would act like a child playing freaking video games until 4am in the morning, which forced her to start acting like my mom. “Hey you should probably go to sleep it’s late already.”

Think about that, some of you listening or watching right now, this might be you. I almost lost my wife early on in our marriage because of this very thing and it took us hitting rock bottom to wake my ass up. My kids would not exist right now had I not made a change. That’s how freakin powerful these changes are guys.

You should be in a thriving, powerful and passionate marriage. Your marriage should be an example to your kids for what they should find in a spouse and how their marriage should be. It all starts with you.

Take the lead.

5. Do you know her love language?

Some of you may or may not know about this, but there’s a pretty powerful book called the 5 love languages. To keep the explanation nice and concise, the author of this book concludes that when it comes to love in a marriage, there’s a miscommunication that happens because you are not speaking the correct love language to one another. Almost like if your wife spoke only Spanish and you spoke only English, Google Translate can only take you so far, at some point you’re gonna have to learn each other’s language or else one of you is gonna get fed up.

So there’s 5 love languages:
1. Physical Touch
2. Quality Time
3. Acts of Kindness
4. Gifts
5. Words of Affirmation

If you Google the 5 love languages you should be able to take a free assessment that will tell you what yours is. But the point is, this is a good thing for you and your wife to do together to discover what your language is.

Because once you know it, you can start putting it into practice. The issue is we usually try to talk to our wife in our own language.

For example, mine is physical touch, pretty much affection. For me the best way my wife shows me that she loves me is when she comes over and gives me a kiss. Or if she grabs my hand, hugs me out of the blue or comes and sits with me and leans her head on my shoulder. You get the point. So for a long time I thought that that was how I showed her how much I loved her, so I would do the same for her.

Even though she didn’t mind it, what I came to find way later on is that her love language is actually acts of kindness. Which pretty much means that she loves it when I do things for her that let her know I consider her. For example, if I wash the dishes, throw out the trash or take care of some laundry before she has to deal with it without her telling me anything, she loves it. Like when I bathe the kids to give her back a break, that’s the love language she responds to.

Some women love gifts, when you buy shit for them out of the blue, it makes them feel loved. Other women love quality time, they just wanna sit down and talk and see that you make time for them. And lastly, some women just like to be told that they are loved and appreciated. Words of Affirmation.

Whatever your woman’s love language is, figure it out and start speaking it. Stop trying to speak to her in your language because chances are she’s never gonna respond to it or connect that with you loving her.

So that’s it guys, those are the 5 signs you need to watch out for and how to prevent it.

Listen I know I’ve been kinda poking fun and joking a bit as I’ve shared this with you, but in all reality this is no laughing matter. There are men right now facing this head on and they feel like their entire world is falling apart. Some of you may look at that and say “well that just ain’t me, that’ll never happen in our marriage.” I bet you those guys thought the same thing.

This is a real issue that plagues many marriages and creates more broken homes. More kids without both parents in the home and a continued cycle of unnecessary pain.

My firm belief is that it all starts with you. If you can course correct and do just these 5 things I’ve shared with you today, your marriage will improve. And your wife will not bounce on you and take your kids.

As a token of my appreciation for hanging out with me today, I wanna give you a gift that will aid you even more in making sure this doesn’t happen to you. It’s my win your wife back challenge, 7 actionable things that you can do right now to win your wife back if you feel like things could be better between you. Just go to alphadadconsulting.com/winback to get your copy and take on the challenge, let me know how it goes. 

Until next time my fellow Alpha Dad,
- G. Vidal