It is said that almost 50% of marriages in the U.S. end in divorce. Which is really crazy to think about. In a lot of cases it becomes too late to save the marriage because so much damage has been done that it’s really difficult to come back from it. The aftermath of a divorce is probably the worst part about it. Especially for a man. Trying to get used to navigating life without your wife and your kids by your side at all times is not easy.

And even though I myself have not gone through a divorce, I’ve been extremely close to it. I’ve also witnessed a lot of friends go through it and I’ve learned a lot about how they got past those difficult times and came out better men at the end of it all. So if you’re a man who is either going through a divorce or just got a divorce, you’re gonna wanna stick around for this episode.

I’m gonna give you some of the best tools that I’ve found for going through this hard time without feeling like your whole world has been destroyed. Guys there’s some men out there that don’t make it past this point. There’s a lot of men that end their life as a result of losing their marriage and the custody of their kids. I don’t want that to be you. No matter how bad life gets, there’s always a way to make it better.

Now I know what some of you guys are probably thinking. How is G gonna talk to me about what to do after a divorce if he ain’t ever been divorced before? Well, you’re right I haven’t experienced a finalized divorce myself first hand, but I’ve been around many men that have. I’ve gone to court rooms with some of these men to testify on their behalf as they fight for custody of their kids. I’ve witnessed the horrible, evil their ex-wives were capable of and I’ve seen the court system grant that evil human being full custody of the children. And almost all of the men that I personally know who have gone through this hell, have made it back. Scarred, battered, and bruised, but they survived it and continue to live every day putting one foot in front of the other.

It’s not easy by any means, but it is absolutely possible. And what I’ve learned from these men, along with what I teach men that still have families, is what I wanna share with you today. If you’re a divorced man, these 5 principles have the ability to completely restore you and make you a better version of yourself. And if you’re a married man, these principles, if you put them to practice, will almost guarantee you never having to visit a courtroom for custody of your children.

The first principle is called…

1. Own It All

Now this one is hard for most men to accept because you have to go to war with yourself. Really, you have to go to war with your Ego. You ready, here we go. IT IS ALL YOUR FAULT. Everything. “But G, you don’t understand, she cheated on me and she abused the kids and she emasculated me.” It doesn’t matter, it’s your fault. When you start a company, and that company goes under because they’re producing results, who’s to blame? It’s you, you’re the leader. Remember, at one point in time your wife was in love with you and she said yes to marrying you. Am I saying she was right, if she cheated on you, No, that’s not what I’m saying at all. She was wrong for doing that and she will reap the consequences of that in her own life. But instead of you being so focused on the betrayal and letting that consume your entire being, you need to own the fact that it was your fault.

The reason why you should do this is very simple. If it’s your fault, you can do something about it. When you make a mistake or fail at something, you can actually do something to make sure that mistake is not made again. I don’t mean that you will get back together with your ex-wife, but that if you decide to enter the marriage game again, you will be better prepared. It’s difficult to own your flaws and admit when you’ve made a mistake. I get that, but without doing this first, it’s going to be extremely hard for you to build yourself back up. So own it, and let’s move into the next step.

2. The Creed Shift

Once you come to grips with owning everything leading to the divorce, now it’s time to work on your creed. Now the way I life to define creed is the system of beliefs by which you operate. All the beliefs and stories that you’ve been buying into about yourself have led you to this current point in life. And if you are not where you wanna be in life right now, then your creed has to shift. You need to start re-writing your story. You need to upgrade your Operating System because running on outdated software is not gonna cut it anymore.

Some of the practical ways to do this are journaling, reading, and getting connected with God. Journaling is powerful because it forces you to get your thoughts down on paper. I’m not saying, start a diary, I’m actually not a fan of that myself. A journal in my opinion is more purpose driven. If you need some tips on how to get started with journaling, I have a structure that I’ve used for years and it may be helpful to you. If you’re watching on YouTube, I’ll link up the video I made on this in the description below.

Reading is something I absolutely dreaded when I was in school because I didn’t like what my teachers would force me to read. I found it boring and it made me classify all books as boring and useless to me, until I became an adult and was out of school. I realized that I had the freedom to choose what I wanted to read and I dove into countless books on self development and business. Completely changed my beliefs about reading and as I read more and more books, my ideas and beliefs about myself improved as well. Keep the mind sharp fellas and read books that edify you to help shift those false beliefs you have about yourself.

Getting connected with God either through reading the Bible or prayer can elevate your creed in ways you can’t imagine. I’m not sure what religion you prescribe to and I’m not here to tell you to adopt my beliefs. I believe in God and that he created us. I don’t buy into this whole throw your stuff out to the “universe” crap. The universe is too weak to handle me and my creed shift. I’d rather rely on the Being that created the universe. That’s just me though, you do you. My only recommendation is that you get connected with a higher power because you need something stronger than you to shift your beliefs.

3. The Form Shift

When I was doing martial arts, specifically Wing Chun a few years ago, they have these things called forms. You have the 1st form, 2nd form, and 3rd form. And essentially the forms teach you a series of moves that make up the fundamentals of the system. So the more you practice these forms, the more familiar you become with all of the moves within that martial art. The moves become a habit. And that’s what having a Form Shift is, creating a new set of habits.

If you’re not in shape, that means developing the habit of working out and eating right to get in shape. If you don’t take care of your appearance and make an effort to look good, change the habit. If you smoke, get drunk, watch porn, play too many video games, don’t get enough sleep, you need a form shift. Bad habits such as these are some of the biggest culprits for destroyed marriages. And if you were making time to do them while married with a family, now that you have more time, you may be tempted to crank these bad habits up a notch.

Don’t do it. Figure out how to start shifting those bad habits and replace them with good habits. There’s a book called “Atomic Habits by James Clear” that you can pick up. I’ll leave a link on YouTube. This book will literally give you a 4 step framework on how to do this. Is it hard to change bad habits, yes it is, but it is not impossible. If you don’t wanna be stuck in this rut you’re in, you gotta force yourself to do it. If not, you’re just gonna keep getting the same results. There’s a reason why 80% percent of 2nd marriages end in divorce. And it’s usually due to the fact that the man getting remarried did absolutely nothing to change himself. He just blamed it on the ex-wife and moved on operating with the same creed and form he had with his last wife. Don’t let this be you, break the cycle and adopt the form shift.

4. The Tribe Shift

Most men that are married and have families will try to lone wolf everything. They will not be the first to seek out help when there’s issues in the marriage or issues with the kids. They will just try to ride it out and figure it out on their own using their limited knowledge and experience. And the few men that actually do reach out to other men for help, will reach out to the wrong men that give them the wrong advice on how to deal with what they got going on. Your tribe, meaning the people in your inner circle that you allow to have influence over you, will make or break you.

You hear the saying all the time, “you are the average of the 5 people you hang around with.” And as cliche as the saying is, it’s still very true. When you go through a divorce, whatever friends you and your wife had will undergo a process of elimination because they’ll be forced to choose sides. Happens all the time. My suggestion to you is don’t stop there. Keep eliminating people that don’t bring any value to your life out of your tribe. Yes, even long time friends that you’ve known for years. If they don’t have your best interest in mind and are not supporting you in leveling yourself up as a man. If they’re influencing you to participate in bad habits, when you’re over here trying to change, get them out of your tribe.

And then go out and find a good group of men that are strong in the areas where you are weak and make efforts to bring those men into your tribe. If you wanna do the marriage thing again in the future, hang out with men that have their family life locked in and learn from them. If you wanna get in shape and develop good healthy habits, hang out with men that are in shape and have good healthy habits. If you wanna be wealthy and learn how to make money, hang out with men that are wealthy and know how to make money. Whatever you do, just don’t stay stuck with the same tribe that got you to where you’re at now.

5. The Wage Shift

This one is pretty straightforward, how much money do you make? If you are not where you wanna be financially, then you need to figure out how to make a lot more money. When you go through a divorce, she’s more than likely gonna take half of whatever you guys owned. If you had kids, going through our lovely court system, she’s more than likely gonna get them too. And guess who’s gonna have to pay for them and possibly her in alimony, that’s right, you are. And yes, it’s absolutely not fair at all and it makes my blood boil when I hear men tell me about their divorce where the wife cheated and she still got everything. Where the cheating could not even be used in court because they’re in a “no fault” state. It pisses me off just thinking about it, but you know what you can do about it? Make a ton of money.

I’m not saying pursue money, I’m saying use the time you have to develop high value skills that will earn you a lot of money. If you can get to the point where money no longer becomes an issue for you because you’ve learned how to play the game, then the alimony and the child support doesn’t sting. And if you wanna battle it out for custody in court, you’re not scrounging for change trying to pay these expensive lawyer fees. You’ll have enough to not only pay the lawyer fees, but also to get the best freakin lawyers out there that specialize in custody battles.

Money is a resource fellas. It’s not the most important thing on earth, but an abundance this resource allows you more freedoms. I challenge you to figure out how you can make a substantial wage shift in your life to eliminate all your money problems.

There’s a reason why this is the last shift I wanted to cover. You see, having a lot of money doesn’t make you a better person. In fact, money just amplifies the type of person you already are. So if you’re a horrible person to begin with, having more money will just make you even more horrible. But if you’re a good man, who owns all of his faults, has empowering beliefs, disciplined in good healthy habits, and hangs out with other good men. Money will amplify this man as well and I believe this type of man will do good things with that resource.

Until next time my fellow Alpha Dad,
- G. Vidal